look what i found

Halooo. Berapa hari tidak berjumpa, blog! I miss you muah.
Kali ini gue mau ngepost curhatan lama di buku diary gue.
Tulisan ini gue baca ada di buku diary lama gue pas gue nemuin diary lama tersebut. Alasan utama kenapa gue melupakan buku tersebut adalah karena banyak hal memalukan yang terukir di dalamnya. Gue berusaha melupakan masa lalu yang memalukan dan menyakitkan.
Tapi gue pikir, ini yang tergak alay this one isn't half bad.
Gue lupa ini ditulisnya kapan. Rupanya diri gue di masa lalu tidak mau repot-repot untuk membubuhkan tanggal. Kalo tau bakal kayak gini, gue cekek deh tuh diri gue di masa lalu.

What Do You Think of A Power to Change the Past?

I sure have changed. A lot...since then.
Sometimes I feel like I just want to live in the past.
Rewrite everything from the beginning... Making my life better.

Just Imagining about it...somehow it makes me feel better.
There are many embarrassing things that I've done in the past. Too embarrassing, for some of them, that I don't want to have any memories of them anymore. I just can't stand having them in my mind.
I've done a lot of shameful things to my friends, that I didn't even realize it was shameful back then.
I'm angry of my own naivety, how simple my thoughts had been, how I was seeing the world in black and white. You stupid innocent child.

I just want to undo my life, and rewrite it right from when I was born.
Well maybe not that early--I'd hate to repeat my life as a baby, but maybe
when I was a bit older.
Like when I was in my first grade of elementary school. Yeah, that would be a perfect time to start over. Surely my life would be better than now, wouldn't it? There'll be many things that I didn't get then, I'd get now.
Everything started when I entered the elementary school, and so by starting from there everything would be perfect because I already know where I want to go, where to decide my life. I won't pick wrong choices anymore. Not this time.

But come to think of it, those wrong choices were the ones that carved the current me.
If I pick other choices, the right ones--at least what I think are right-- will I still be wanting the same thing as I want it now?
Maybe I won't even get to know some of my favorite things in the world right now.
Maybe I won't even know the wonderful thing called comic books.
Maybe I won't have any interests in drawing at all.
Maybe my friends will be different.
Maybe...it will just feel wrong.
Maybe by changing it once will just make me want to change it again and again, and again.
Because it's never right.

Thinking of that makes me greatful for the way things are now.
I already have perfect life, even when I did make mistakes in the past.
You can always fix it by living your life as best as you can.

Typical right, ungreatful thoughts, reasoning, and then the life lesson. The end.
But unfortunately for me, it isn't.

I wish my thoughts end there, with that "live your life fully" bullshit.
They're not. They just keep going and expanding like the universe.

Possibilities.
Possibilities.
Possibilities.

So, they continue.

Still, it will be interesting if you have the power to rewrite your life!
If you know where to go, that is.
But that's the problem, no one knows where to go.
It's not like we can see the future ahead of us.
What we thought would be good at first isn't necessarily good for us, later on.
There are too many possibilities, too many we can't even count them, there will always be.
By changing one of those possibilities you'll just create another mess of sequence of endless possibilities you won't be able to clean up.

And so it will add up to another one of your problems.
Too busy thinking about possibilities you forget to live the life you have now.
Too preoccupied on thinking the what ifs, instead of what happen in the present.
And in the end, you forgot how to live.

Tragic.

What should I do, then?
I try to make the most of my life but the thoughts...the thoughts are very tempting. Emphasis on the very.
I mean, how is it the thoughts of you changing your past are not tempting?
It must be.
People say all the time, live your life, don't think too much about it.
But I dare say that there will always be that moment when you'd just sit down, staring longingly at nothing in particular and thinking about how your life would've been if you (..........) --> fill in the blank.

Now I'm babbling too much.

And this is all nonsense.

I think I'm going to sleep.



(unknown date)

    Signature


Aaaaah... apa sih yang gue pikirkan saat itu.
Kayaknya gue mau bikin diary lagi deh.

Bonus: kitty-pocalypse!!!