Not Good Enough

My life seems to be on the down side lately, at least that's what I feel. So let me rant here for a bit.

It's as if everything I do, or how hard I tried, or how much I put effort into, doesn't seem to work out the way I expect it to be.

It's as if I'm not good enough. No matter how hard I try to be good at something, there's always someone better than me. I tried so hard, really, to improve myself. To hone my skills. Just to have something I'm good at. To be special. What's wrong with that, right? You know, to be special. Everybody wants to have something to be proud of, don't they? I mean, we all have a Tom Riddle inside of us. But no, that's not enough. All that effort, just not enough. I'm still not good enough.

It's eating me inside, you know. That feeling of helplessness, like the farther you run, the farther your goal is. Like every new door you succeeded to open just shows how far you really are from your destination. That dreaded feeling of how hard you chase them--those people you look up to--but will never be their equal. Like you've done everything in your power but still can't change anything; you're still your old sucky self. Not changing a tad bit. It's frustrating. Dejecting. Makes you just wanna pull your hair out. And then scream as loudly as possible, have a breakdown and fall to your knees.

It's like everything's going downhill, my confidence, self-esteem, all of it. I'm being cynical to the world, easily offended and hurt, being jealous over people and end up hating them, feeling inferior to everyone yet still mocking them because of my own insecurity towards myself; more or less making me a mess. Not exactly a healthy state to be in. And to be completely frank, I'm tired to be like this. This pathetic, weak, feeble-minded me. I'm tired of blaming other people because of my own shittiness (ha, is that even a word). Wallow in my own puddle of self-pity. And so done with self-loathing. I just want to be good, really, to be on the lead on just one field; just one. Am I asking too much? Why is everything so difficult? Why is it so hard to reach, that dream of mine? Why can I never feel good about myself?